always missing deadlines

I think it’s safe to say that we all know why affairs are appealing to us: sex. There is something fundamental to our humanity that is attracted to physical relationships that are deemed inappropriate by our peers or society as a whole. It’s not hard to figure out why stories of forbidden love and infidelity have remained such consistent standards in our collective conscious. Even in the stories that involve an actual love between two people who have obstacles (like marriages or family ties) are only interesting to us because we are waiting for the moment when those two lovers give the world a big middle finger and succumb to their libidos.

I don’t find those stories all that interesting. Although the moment when the forbidden physical love reaches realization is satisfying on some level, there are so many dynamics that usually get pushed out of the visible spectrum because they “get in the way” of the true love message. So instead of investigating why it is that we are attracted to affairs, I want to explore what happens when two people find themselves in a deep level of commitment to each other outside of the romantic or platonic spheres. While I can’t promise you tantalizing scenes of no pants dancing, I can tell you that human beings are about as weird a species as can be found on planet earth.

During the course of a two year relationship, I knew that I was attracted to another. There was a physical component to this attraction, it would be a lie to deny that, but in truth, the compelling part of this “affair” wasn’t the possibility for sex (indeed, the affair never did truly become an affair). What was so compelling was the bond that I believed was shared between me and this individual. On my end, at least, it seemed as though my true personality only came out when I was with this person. Our shared interests fueled this feeling of co-dependence and eventually the draw brought out a lot of issues that I was having in my co-existing standard relationship. Naturally, the time I was spending with a woman who was not my romantic partner caused said partner to feel jealousy and suspicion. I can say that I did not cheat with honesty, but it doesn’t seem to be much of a point of pride because my extracurricular relationship ended up being hurtful, and was therefore, wrong.

What’s strikes me as fundamentally different between what I experienced and an affair, is that there was no rush for physical affection with this other person. What I found in her was a friend with whom I could share myself. Maybe the absence of a physical component allowed for that in this case. Maybe if a physical component had been added it would have elevated this relationship not only to true affair status, but also to a more meaningful satisfaction. Instead, I began to realize that what I thought was a genuine love was not only not that at all, but was probably almost wholly one-sided for the majority of the time. All of the pain and suffering that often lies in the wake of an actual affair I, and the people I was involved with, suffered. On some level you could say that I ended up with all of the negative side effects and none of the reward, however sordid.

Maybe stories like these trouble us more than straight affair stories because without the sexual gratification, there is no way to justify the actions. Maybe we all just really like porn and a story about an affair with a boss or secretary is a safe enough way for us to get that experience. I’m not sure which is true. What I do know is that I’ve never really been able to tell those kinds of stories because I don’t relate to them. What I do understand is being frustrated by a love that is unsatisfying and trying to pick up the missing pieces in another (whatever those pieces may be). I cannot recommend this action as I have found it does not lead to any usable answers. Affairs, whether consummated or not, reveal our unhappiness and insecurities without attempting to resolve them. As for my own problems as a result of all this? I’m still working on them.