always missing deadlines

When you use a term like “bucket list” you are assuming that at some point, you will die. There’s a terrifying recognition in that. It’s even more terrifying when it’s applied to a romance. When planning for the future and including a partner in that planning, there are sometimes very positive assumptions that get made. When asked about perhaps attending a show at some point months away, most might consider that a show of good faith and that the strength of the relationship is to the point where long term goals and aspirations can be made without fear of a sudden departure or collapse of said relationship. But what happens when you call those long terms plans a bucket list?

If you are able to refrain from hyperobservation and examination then you might shrug it off as a somewhat clever jab at either the term “bucket list” itself and all that it implies. You may not even notice the negatives that could be associated with that term. Maybe you might even take it to the most positive point and assume that it assumes the plans you are making are in the best confidence of the relationship and that these things are to be done before either of you actually pass away from this earth. I’m unable to see it that way automatically. Instead, the creeping fears of inadequacy begin. The expectation that a relationship will end and that it’s just a matter of time is the default assumption made by me and people who have deep seeded insecurities. Are these fears shared by the person who used “bucket list” or is it all projection? Is that person even aware of what a bucket list might insinuate to someone with whom they are semi-romantically involved?

I would love to give the benefit of the doubt in this situation, in most, really. Unfortunately, that’s not my style. Couple that with information about individual desires and long term plans leaves me with the thought that this bucket list is more like a bucket time bomb, counting down the days and hours until the words come out of one of the mouths. “I don’t know if this is going to work” or some such variation would be the final click of the clock, at which point worlds dissolve into oceans of mixed feelings and jerking off. Then comes the question: do you pre-empt the inevitable? If you do, are you prematurely ending something that could be worthwhile? People change their minds and change their plans based on their circumstances. Is an individual you enjoy being with reason enough to alter the things you want for yourself?

This kind of spiral is endless and exhausting. It can make your bed the most uncomfortable place in your house. It can make drives to and from work the most lonesome places on earth. These are the types of things I like to avoid when possible, but just as atoms must come into contact with one another, so must people, and every once in a while two people will enjoy clothesless contact and their lives will never be the same because of it. Those changes may be significant. They may be long-lasting. The one thing they won’t be, though, is permanent, because existence isn’t permanent. So maybe the bucket list is more innocent than it seems. Maybe we should have bucket lists for everything.