Staying Power
Thus far in this corner of the universe I've tried to be funny, analyzing various points in culture that seem unusual or interesting to me. I am not funny. I know that. With that being the case, I will certainly keep up that effort when the mood strike (which is a majority of the time). And while humor is a very good opener, I'm not sure it's a good tool for keeping people around. In those types of relationships, as soon as you're not funny, those people that were hanging on let go and get to looking for something else to make them feel good. So for this entry I will try very hard to be un-funny. I foresee being much more successful in this endeavor.
I don't know what keeps people around. It isn't sincerity. It's isn't generosity. For some reason or another I am easily leavable. Maybe everybody gets to be like this once our youngness ends and we become completely self-absorbed. Relationships of the romantic nature tend to take over the lives of friends as they prepare for isolation from the world. They have found the person they want to bind themselves to so they aren't completely alone throughout adulthood. It is the ultimate benefit to dating and getting into a relationship. We all want a best friend, and what better way to secure that than by marrying someone?
I have none of that left. My friendships to other people has been circumvented and I have no partner of my own. Perhaps it's because I'm an other people perfectionist and I expect more from them than of myself. I am a demanding, self-interested individual and friend, and on top of that, my methods for securing the things I want is decidedly passive aggressive.
My romances, while fairly stable and long lasting have been few. I am wary of people I don't know and am even more skeptical with potential mates. There is probably an evolutionary reason for my distrust. I don't know if my genetic lineage predisposes me to anti-social behavior or fear of judgement from other people. I tend to lean towards the nature in the nature v. nurture debate, although I am fairly certain there are several life experiences that have fostered my expectations that people will be disappointing.
The truth in all this is that I crave the attention of other people. I don't like crowds or widespread recognition. I'm much more interested in monopolizing other peoples' time, hoping that they will become dependent on me in a way that makes it impossible for them to go elsewhere. So far that strategy has been a resounding unsuccess. I came close to achieving the sought after role but when faced with it, I found myself with too much responsibility and not enough interest in the complexities of the relationship. In another attempt I was given the signal by the object of my misplaced affection that there just wasn't room for me. So I find myself ditched. It's my high school fears coming back only without the crippling worry of embarrassment. I don't feel like I'm being made fun of or conspired against. That's partly because of my attitude of superiority, which I've used as a defense mechanism for as long as I've been conscious of other people. The isolation that I find myself in now is actually much worse. At least when people are plotting against you, you are still a part of the lives of those other people. They may hate you, but there is enough of an emotional attachment that they put forth the effort. There is no effort now. It's led me to be left behind in a broader sense, unable to move on in my life and largely unwilling to do so. I remain convinced that everyone else will remember my (imagined) greatness somehow and come back, desperate for a co-starring role in my viewerless life-program. That isn't about to happen. It leads me to think about a disappearing act, one I've contemplated off and on for about a year now. In my mind I am completely sold on the idea, but it doesn't really make sense when I realize that nobody would notice.
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Response: ukbestxessays.comWell it is your genetic lineage predisposes and it is the part of the age where these kinds of things are normal. There are often people who you find really attractive toward your personality.
Reader Comments (2)
refreshingly sincere!
Wow, this is a really late response, but thanks. I expect more and more of this stuff is going to venture into personal territory.